


Green-Eyed Boy

by cherishedlarry



Series: Dimly Lit In The Dark [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Comfort/Angst, Coping, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Loss, M/M, Past Character Death, Past Relationship(s), Sad Louis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-03
Updated: 2015-04-03
Packaged: 2018-03-21 02:25:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3674004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherishedlarry/pseuds/cherishedlarry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis loved him. God had he loved him. Had never loved anyone more. And yet that hadn’t been enough. Because Harry was gone and it was all his fault. </p><p>The cause of Harry’s death hadn’t been alcohol, even though that was the official report. It had been heartbreak. And that was a secret Louis would keep for as long as he lived. It was a secret Harry took to his untimely grave.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Green-Eyed Boy

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote a fic awhile back called “Mechanical Heart” and, based on the comments and kudos, a lot of people seemed to like it. And oh my god, what?! Thank you. I’m glad you enjoyed it… even though I broke a lot of your hearts. I highly recommend you read that one before reading this one shot, although it isn’t strictly necessary but it would make this read a lot more enjoyable I think. Anyway, Elina left a comment requesting I write a one shot based on how Louis dealt with Harry’s death and I absolutely loved that idea. So here you go. I hope you enjoy<3
> 
> Title taken from “Mechanical Heart” by Jon D.

Louis’ hamster died when he was eight years old. And he had gotten through that with a quick cry and two bowls of ice cream. 

But everything is different now.

It’s like he’s drowning. That’s how it feels. He’s kicking and screaming, desperately searching for land. And, as soon as he feels ground beneath his feet, a giant wave sweeps him away once again. He doesn’t know how to stop it. Doesn’t know how to save himself. He wants to be okay. He wants to move on and start living his life again. But even the simple thought of getting out of bed is exhausting enough to lull Louis into a restless sleep every so often. But no matter how much he sleeps, Louis wakes up feeling more drained than ever. 

It’s already been a week, but the wound feels like it had been inflicted less than five minutes ago. Everything hurts and Louis’ suffocating. He can’t remember a time in which he felt okay. Even decent. All he can remember is pain, suffering, loss, and longing.  
And, more than anything, guilt. Because he knows he’s responsible for Harry’s death. Knows that if he had taken the time to hear Harry out, to explain his own actions, to do anything besides what he had done, basically, Harry would still be alive. He would be in bed beside him, sleeping peacefully, cuddled up close and warm on Louis’ chest. 

Louis loved him. God had he loved him. Had never loved anyone more. And yet that hadn’t been enough. Because Harry was gone and it was all his fault. 

The cause of Harry’s death hadn’t been alcohol, even though that was the official report. It had been heartbreak. And that was a secret Louis would keep for as long as he lived. It was a secret Harry took to his untimely grave. 

Louis lays in bed, staring up at a dark ceiling, eyes raw and itchy. He’d cried himself out even before Harry’s funeral. 

He hadn’t even been sure until an hour before if he was going to go. He didn’t want to face Harry’s family. He had never even met them and he certainly didn’t want their first encounter to be at Harry’s funeral. But he had bucked up the courage, showered quickly, and gone. He stood in the back of the church and stared blankly at the coffin, unable to cry or make any sort of noise. He was just empty. He recognized Harry’s mum Anne, step dad Robin, dad Des, and sister Gemma from pictures Harry had shown him awhile back sitting up at the front, sobbing noiselessly into tissues and each other. But Louis didn't’t greet them or express his condolences at the end of the service. He simply turned his back and left the church. 

The July heat is pressing down on Louis’ sweaty body, his room stiflingly hot since he can’t be bothered to get up and turn his air conditioner on. His mum and sisters are all sleeping peacefully in their own beds down the hall, feeling a sense of calm that Louis longs for. He’s probably been awake for close to 30 hours and yet he just can’t seem to relax enough to fall asleep. 

He just misses Harry so goddamn much. And he hates that he can’t do anything about it. 

He lays in bed until morning, eyes wide open and unseeing. Around 8, a gentle knock sounds at his door. He doesn’t even have time to say come in before his mum walks in, a look of sympathy on her face that just makes Louis want to vomit. He doesn’t deserve her compassion. He deserves to be miserable and he deserves to be wracked with guilt concerning the circumstances of Harry’s death. 

Jay makes her way to Louis, sitting down on the side of his bed as she has been doing ever since Louis fell into his stupor. She reaches a hand out, swiping his fringe off his forehead and then moving to stroke his cheek in an act of comfort. Louis wishes he could smack her hand away. He doesn’t deserve to be pitied. He deserves to be punished. 

“Hey, sweetie,” Jay’s gentle voice breaks through the heavy silence. “D’you wanna come down for breakfast?”

Louis doesn’t look at her. “Not hungry.”

She sighs, surely fed up with Louis’ disinterest. Louis is pretty fed up with himself, to be honest. “Louis, please. Can you just come downstairs? I’ll make you some tea, if you want.”

Louis realizes there’s no point in arguing. He sighs, nodding his head slightly. Jay smiles, kisses him on the forehead, and walks out.  
\---  
The kitchen is much cooler than Louis’ bedroom, cold air pumping throughout the entire first floor. He shuffles in silently, sitting down at the table next to Lottie who is nursing a bowl of Cheerios. The three of them are the only ones in the house, the rest of his sisters all away at summer camp, something that Lottie had blatantly refused to be a part of.

“Well, look who finally decided to be a functioning human again,” she says, a slight bite to her tone that Louis simply attributes to his clear absence and disconnect the past week. He and Lottie had always been close and the fact that he hadn’t spoken to her since Harry died was surely distressing to her. She had always looked to him for protection and comfort and, now that he was providing that, he’s sure she was upset with him. I mean, it’s not like she was unsympathetic or anything but it was still hard. She didn’t know the full extent of what he was going through and he knew that was bothering her. They had always told each other everything. But not anymore.

“Lottie, be nice,” Jay chastises half-heartedly from her position at the stove where she had just put the kettle on. 

“Whatever,” Lottie mumbles into her cereal as she finishes the last few bites, shoving her chair away from the table and stalking into the living room. The sounds of America’s Next Top Model soon drift through the house, causing Louis to look in that direction wistfully. He hates himself for what he’s done not only to Harry but to his family. 

Jay prepares his tea, setting it down in front of Louis as she sits beside him at the table. “Did I ever tell you about Matt?” 

Louis stares down at his mug of tea as he shakes his head. 

She reaches out a hand, placing it comfortingly on Louis’ head as she begins to stroke her fingers through his hair, which is quite disgusting since he hasn’t showered in four days. But his mum seems completely oblivious to it. Either that or she simply doesn’t care. “He was my boyfriend in high school, back when I was in year ten and he was in year eleven. God, Louis, we were so in love. We were inseparable, you know? Always together. We were that high school couple that everybody talked about and just couldn’t get enough of.” 

She smiles then, wistful of times gone by. “He was… God, he was so wonderful. And beautiful. He cared about me so much. And I him. My family loved him. Everything was just… for lack of a better word, perfect. I was just so happy, ya know, he made me come alive. I had never felt that way about anyone. I remember this one night, it was, like, probably around one a.m. at this point, I don’t even know. Anyway, we were just driving around, talking about the stupidest things and, all of a sudden, he turns to me and says, ‘Let’s go camping’. So he, like, drives us to this field and he pulls an actual tent out of the boot of the car and just starts setting it up. I remember thinking I’d never been more floored in my entire life. But I had also never been more in love.” Jay’s voice falls off at the end, causing Louis to finally look her in the eyes for the first time in over a week. 

“What happened?” Louis asks, although he’s pretty sure he can guess what’s coming next.

“It was, uh, about a month after that. He was on his way to my house to pick me up for dinner when some idiot drunk driver ran a red light and hit him. Killed Matt instantly.” 

Louis’ eyes drop then, bottom lip quivering with sympathy for his mum. “Hey, little bean, this isn’t meant to upset you. I’m trying to tell you something,” Jay says as she places her hand on his chin and tilts his head up.

Louis nods, looking at her once again to signal her continuation. 

“Louis, I blamed myself every day for his death.” Louis’ eyes widen because what? 

“Mum, how could you… how could you blame yourself for that? You weren’t the one driving. You didn’t kill him. That wasn’t your fault.”

“I know that now, little bean, of course. But, at the time, I couldn’t help but blame myself, you know? He was on his way to get me. If he hadn’t been, he would still be alive. Who knows how different my life would be? And it was so hard for me to stop blaming myself. It took me a long time, bean. But I got through it eventually because I finally let people in. I turned to my friends and my family and they helped me through it. Which is why I know you can do it too.”

Louis’ eyes widen again, staring at her matching blues. “W-what are you talking about? How did you-?"

Jay reaches out a hand and takes his own shaking ones. “You talk in your sleep, Lou. I know what happened. I know about the fight and I know you blame yourself for his death. But you didn’t put that bottle in his hand. You didn’t pour the alcohol down his throat. This isn’t your fault.”

Louis shakes his head, tears now streaming down his flushed cheeks. “I may as well have. I… I did this to him. I made him turn to that. This is my fault and I… I just feel so terrible and guilty for what I did to him. I loved him, mum. I loved him so much and… and maybe I didn’t tell him that enough. I should have listened. I shouldn’t have pushed him away because he needed me and I wasn’t there.”

“You gave him everything you had, Lou. I know you did. And I know you loved him and I know he loved you. But sometimes love just isn’t enough. Sometimes certain things are just bigger than us. And our job in life is to control what we can and to let go of what we can’t. You couldn’t have saved him, Lou. He was too far gone from the moment you met him. But what you two had was beautiful. You saw parts of him that nobody else got to see. You should never forget him. Of course not. But the only way to help yourself move on is to think about all that he taught you and all that you gained from knowing him. And you need to find that strength I know is inside you and live. Live for Harry. Do it for him. Because I know you can, little bean. I know it.”

Louis is completely sobbing now, ugly and loud. But through his tears, he nods. Because if Harry died for Louis, Louis knows he needs to live for Harry.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on Twitter (@cherishedlarry) and on Tumblr (realizedyouweremissing) xx


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